12/12/2023 0 Comments Duke nukem forever platformsI grab a marker, draw a huge cock on the board, and one soldier says “I don’t know what that means, but if we thought of that before, that guy over there would probably still have his arm… and at least one of his balls.” I could go on forever about every little detail, but it’s obvious that we’ll be laughing our asses off for hours and hours playing this game. I exit the bathroom and find myself in a football locker room with 3 soldiers surrounding a dry-erase board where they just drew out their plans for “Operation: Cock Block.” They are so excited, they bring it into a huddle and yell “BREAK” before they split off and run out onto the football field to fight a giant alien. As I pull my head up from the sloppy wet toilet, I notice the beautifully detailed and polished graphics surrounding me. The actual game starts with Duke staring into a urinal while you are prompted to press RT to piss. You immediately know you’re in for a treat. So where does that leave Duke Nukem Forever?ĭrinking beer makes you a real man… like Duke.ĭuke Nukem Forever kicks off with an insanely entertaining introduction in gnarly artistic fashion while gracing your ears to the soft elevator melodies of heavy metal guitar and pounding drums. While Duke Nukem 3D was just the 3rd game in the franchise, it marked a major turning point in both direction and sales. As a child, Duke Nukem 3D was one of those games you HAD to play just so you could brag to your friends! Just like when Killer Instinct first came out. Moms and dads tried so hard, but we always found a way. You may have won the battle, mom, but I’ll win the war… at the neighbor’s house… on their PlayStation… in the basement… while everyone’s asleep. She then saw the mature rating and told you to pick something more appropriate. You thought you’d nonchalantly slip it into your mom’s hands between her VHS cassettes of Jerry Maguire and The Preacher’s Wife. Most of you out there might recall visiting your local video store in 1997 and seeing the cover of Duke Nukem 3D nestled somewhere between Diddy Kong Racing and Extreme G. But if you’re sitting there completely torqued, then you can grasp the reality at hand. Maybe check out our review on Animal Crossing because big tits and huge guns don’t apply to your senses. If frosty blonde flat-top hair, sporty shades, tank tops, and fingertip-less gloves don’t get your dick hard, then you, my friend, have come to the wrong review. But c’mon… Duke Nukem 3D is the pinnacle in the franchise’s history, and if you can’t get down on that knowledge, then fuck you. I know what you’re thinking… “What about Zero Hour? What about Manhattan Project?” True. Wait… You’re telling me they brought the Duke back? Apparently being a badass is a trait that can’t be contained as Duke Nukem returns to the screen after a 14+ year hiatus.
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